New Beggining

This week has been the worst week of my life as far as I can remember. From the ashes of my emotional death comes this blog/journal. I hear one of the best ways to deal with a broken heart is to let it out either through art, writing, music etc. and here is my attempt to deal with this pain. I feel heavy and thats the best way to describe me right now. I feel weighed down and its honestly a very physical feeling. I am a very loyal person who does not like change and these times are very very difficult for me. Over the past year I have gotten myself out of an intense depressive state which I attribute to going through somewhat of an identity crisis. I didnt know who I was. You can't even begin to like yourself if you do not know who you are or what your goals are and that is why I was depressed without any real horrible event happening to me. I did not have a grasp of my potential. I did not know what happinness means to me. That was the beggining of the end to this tragic love story. How could I love someone else if I couldn't love myself? It's not possible as far as I know. How could I believe Salome was right for me when I didnt know what "right for me" meant? I couldnt and I turned into a condescending, and ingrateful asshole. Never told her she was pretty when it was running through my mind. Never told her thank you for caring about me and for being there when I needed her. I was quick to tell her whats wrong and hardly ever told her what was right. I deserved to get dumped Oct. 30th 2008. I let her go because, I at least knew that was the best thing at the time. But I also loved her. I may not have known it at the time. But I did. I loved her. It was only when I knew what love is to me, I could tell that I was totally in love with her. So here I am a year later, and obviously a year (or more) too late sitting here with a broken heart. A lost love. A best friend that is as good as dead to me. What is love?