Going to use this blog to keep track f my trip. Its weird to think, that is in this moment, I am here but I am writing for a memory. I am here to learn how to live in the moment, to free myself from overanalyzing, and to give my grandma purpose in the next two weeks. I woke up on thursday, Feb 18th with a strange feeling. I wasnt scared but i did have a sense of not wanting to go. Could be laziness or just the fact that I am a huge homebody. That is another thing I need to work on. I finished up packng by burning some mixes and putting them onto my ipod shuffle. Everything at the airport went smoothe. My passport and visa are brand new and there was no issue there. I was pass security and near my gate with about an hour to kill. I walked around. To prove my homebodiness... I bought a "Dont mess with Texas" shot glass that will be most likely using in Goa. I also bought a Houston postcard because it was a beautiful shot of the downtown skyline and a full moon. Airports always make me feel weird. I am always fascinated in human interaction and ther are all kinds of social goodies in there. I hate all the pretty girls. Just torture. Lots of funny family interaction too. nothing worth noting this time. I also bought the book Shutter Island so I can come home and see this much anticipated movie.
I boarded the plane on time which was headed to Newark. I watched "More Than a Game" adocumentary about Lebron James' high school experience. It made mlike him a little more but still think he is an ego maniac. THe guy sitting next to me was ironically Indian. He ordered 3 small bottles of wine in the first 2 hours of the flight. haha By the end of the third he struct up conversation. We talked about what I do and where I was from. And he explained the same about himself. He explained he was like the dude in Up in the Air and he was fascinated with collecting miles. It was funny to be sober in the daytime talking to a drunk adult Indian guy. He said he had Elite access to Continentals Presidential Club and he would get me in before he had to go to New York City. Speaking of which. We flew right by The City. I LOVE NY. It made me sad to see it, knowing that i couldnt go. I miss NY. I got such a great view. I saw the empire state, brooklyn bridge, and the Statue of Liberty. It was perfect.
As promised, this man took me to the presidential sweet and we had a drink. He had to run after that and I moved to bar. I had a couple dewars on the rocks and a couple glasses of white wine.. FOR FREE. amazing. I called Douglas to tell hi8m how frustrating it was to look at city knowing he was there but being trapped in the airport for a few hours. We talked abotu everything for almost 2 straight hours. It was funny because i was getting drunker by the minute and more honest and loud. I think all the old people enjoyed the things I was saying becayse they were being so friendly after I got off the phone. I realized it was close to boarding time so I went off to my gate.
Boarded with no problems. I had the front row and lots of leg room. Thank you mom. I love you. They had a personal tv with SO many movies and tv shows. I mean like hundreds. I was in heaven. I ended watching 3 Arrested Development shows, Bourne Supremecy(because it was partially filmed in Goa and my sister met and hung with Matt Damon when they were there, CRAZY), and Fargo. Fargo was so good. Always wanted to see it. Didnt dissapoint. I really couldnt sleep. Probably slept a total of an hour and half maybe which is nothing on a 15 hour flight. That sucked. I was tortured by boredom and there is only so much movie/tv show watching you can do consecutively. There was a nice lady who was visiting family that sat next to me. We had some small talk but not anything intense. She was sweet. We were sweet to each other. Making sure we were both comfortable at all times and that we werent being annoying.
WHen I got off I passed through customs with ease. Picked my bag up immdeiately and went outside. It was warm and humid. In the low 80's which was a change from the cold weather we have had in Houston. I didnt see my cousin Chantelle at first. I had gotten out to early, Kind of scary because ther were a lot of people and they were begging to service me. I was like DUDE IM COOL! It went over there heads. One guy insisted i use his phoen to call my cousin and i said I have no money to offer. He was like ok ok use use. So i did. Then he asked for money. haha I was like sorry man. Told you that a minute ago. DIdnt want to use your phone really. FInally I saw her and met her husband-to be named Jude. He was a big guy with some tatooes but really friendly. He is a professional chef. I look to take advantage of that when I get back form Goa for a couple night here in Bomaby. It was around 11 at night and the ride was interstring. Really polluted but the feel and air are just so different. You cant explain or see it in a movie. Its an experience to say the least. I showed them some of my music and they were extremely impressed. Always makes me feel good.
WHen I got to their place it was about 1130. They were SO hostipitable, Offering me everything, All I really wanted was to take a shower and read Shutter Island until the morning. They have a fat white lab that made me miss Cosmo already. After a few talks with Chauntelles Dad Robert, who is a sweet sweet man, I showered and checked email and facebook. Such a weird thing seeing everyon in houston's news feed. Didnt like the feeling really. GOing to try and not be a facebooker the next couple weeks. I listened to music and read very little before i went to bed. I have a cute little room to myself. The patio and window was left open so it was like sleeping outside but it was quite lovely. Woke up a few times in the night. Had some pretty vivid dreams aboput home. Got up[ real early to look out. It was a crazy view of a crazy world. I filmed a little with my shitty vid camera and read a little. Ate an intersiting omelette and bread. Talked to there parrot and now I sit here writing away.
I am about to explore Mumbai/Bombay. Probably do a little shopping. THen I catch a flight to beautiful Goa to see my mother and hang out with Maggie on the beaches! SO excited. This will be quite the adventure and it has started off wonderfully. I have my moments where I wish I were home, riding my bike downtown listening to music, but then i stop myself and remind myself that this is my time here. This is INdia. Home will be there. Got to cherish every minute here. This could really change me for the better. Shape me into a better man. Ill hopefully find an internet cafe there to write about the next few days.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Want to send this, but shouldnt.
Hey Sal,
I just want you to know that it was pretty dissapointing how ackward it was yesterday and how you havent even written back. Me and jeff ran the loop and he insisted on showing me his favorite new coffee place on Rice campus. I kept telling him how much i dont want to because of fear of running into you and he just didnt listen . When i saw you I was just pissed at Jeff and frustrated about the situation. You didnt seem happy to see me either so that situation was hell for me. I wonder if your last email was just an attempt to satisfy your curiousity or if you genuinely missed me. I guess that depends on what minute of the day it was. Does it mean anything to you that we shared many good times at Eisley, Mini Tigers, Say Anything, AND Moneen shows? Do you even think about me or were you just texting your boyfriend missing him? I really shouldnt give a shit what you think and I w ouldnt of cared at all if you didnt send that stupid curious message that was fruitless. I have made my peace with you about my mistakes I made more than a year ago but you treated me like I was the one who lied repeatedly to you and used you for emotion stability. That was you remember? If you were somewhat of a decent person you forget all the bullshit and be real with me. Oh wait i forgot... you are a bad person. What a fucking cop-out. What the fuck could of changed from... We should have a drink... to... uh ok hi see you later. Was it your environment and Claire? Thats pathetic. You dont deserve to know anything about me, even if you are just curious. When I said I miss you, i meant I missed the old you. When I say I love you i am talking about the eternal feeling and caring of you that we established years ago. That will always be there because of who you were to me and the impact you had on me. It truly sucks to having you kind of be in this new phase of life. It sucks that the thing I look forward to the most(concerts) are ruined by you and claires inability to be mature. I wish you would just leave this city so I dont have to worry about seeing you. You know when i thought I hated you, i obviously loved you. The opposite of love is indifference not hate. We are sadly very very close to being indifferent to each other. Im starting to not care if you are happy or sad. All i want for you to just be DEEP in my past. If you could possibly take the time out of your busy schedule than maybe you can explain yourself. I hope you have something better than... sorry ro I am a bad person. Dont worry, nobody will know how you really feel. If not than Ill make a deal with you. Stop sending leave me alone with your curious emails and I will leave you alone in person.
I just want you to know that it was pretty dissapointing how ackward it was yesterday and how you havent even written back. Me and jeff ran the loop and he insisted on showing me his favorite new coffee place on Rice campus. I kept telling him how much i dont want to because of fear of running into you and he just didnt listen . When i saw you I was just pissed at Jeff and frustrated about the situation. You didnt seem happy to see me either so that situation was hell for me. I wonder if your last email was just an attempt to satisfy your curiousity or if you genuinely missed me. I guess that depends on what minute of the day it was. Does it mean anything to you that we shared many good times at Eisley, Mini Tigers, Say Anything, AND Moneen shows? Do you even think about me or were you just texting your boyfriend missing him? I really shouldnt give a shit what you think and I w ouldnt of cared at all if you didnt send that stupid curious message that was fruitless. I have made my peace with you about my mistakes I made more than a year ago but you treated me like I was the one who lied repeatedly to you and used you for emotion stability. That was you remember? If you were somewhat of a decent person you forget all the bullshit and be real with me. Oh wait i forgot... you are a bad person. What a fucking cop-out. What the fuck could of changed from... We should have a drink... to... uh ok hi see you later. Was it your environment and Claire? Thats pathetic. You dont deserve to know anything about me, even if you are just curious. When I said I miss you, i meant I missed the old you. When I say I love you i am talking about the eternal feeling and caring of you that we established years ago. That will always be there because of who you were to me and the impact you had on me. It truly sucks to having you kind of be in this new phase of life. It sucks that the thing I look forward to the most(concerts) are ruined by you and claires inability to be mature. I wish you would just leave this city so I dont have to worry about seeing you. You know when i thought I hated you, i obviously loved you. The opposite of love is indifference not hate. We are sadly very very close to being indifferent to each other. Im starting to not care if you are happy or sad. All i want for you to just be DEEP in my past. If you could possibly take the time out of your busy schedule than maybe you can explain yourself. I hope you have something better than... sorry ro I am a bad person. Dont worry, nobody will know how you really feel. If not than Ill make a deal with you. Stop sending leave me alone with your curious emails and I will leave you alone in person.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A Crush
So it really has been years since I have allowed myself to have a crush on someone. It is GREAT. Like daydreaming and constantly wondering who the person is. It is totally infatuation because you just dont know. But my senses are going NUTS. She is so cute. TOO young. Seems soo confident and happy about herself. Its just attractive. I really havent been so attracted to someone in awhile. Salome started as a very minor attraction that grew bigger and bigger. That seems healthier but it isn't as much fun. Just a major/minor crush. What to do? All I really can do is hope that fate or god or randomness puts me in the right place at the right time with the right things to say. I know who I am and I must put myself out there and accept the results. Its great knowing that any given day this person can walk by, have a quick 3 minute conversation, and totally send me on a high. She goes to my school and she goes to my favorite place(the only place i go to) on Thursdays. Thanks Beatles for making my life better once again. I have a few crushes and they all have major issues. One is totally taken but we have a lot to talk about and she is cute. Her boyfriend is cool and a good guy. I have to or already kind of am getting over that. I enjoy being freinds with them and for sure wont let my crush get in the way of that shit. The other is 18! haha Its craaaazy. Whats wrong with me. The 18 year old is the one that drives me craaaazy. The funny thing is... I don't even know her name yet. I will find that out but I do not know what to do. She appears to be so down to earth, and I LOVE the way she dances. haha its soo cute. Its not crazy or sexy or anything that draws the normal horny guys attention. Its graceful and cool and confident and chill. Its fucking attractive. It drives my senses nuts. ahhh what i relief to feel this hope again. Salome was great, but it really was time for us to move on. WOW i think really mean that. cooool. I dont expect to get this crush, but I expect her to bring me simple happiness for as long as I keep running into her with something small to say. Today I FINALLY saw her outside of beatle at school. I looked like shit so i saw her and tried to run away but she saw me(probably cause i akwardly saw her) and said "Hey!", wowww We talked but I still didnt get her name. haha it really doesnt matter. I am going to take this slow. Im too interested right now not to try. Fuck it if I fail. This mystery is so fun. I missed it. I feel young and happy again rather than old and content like girlfriends make you feel. Maybe in 5 years when she is close to my age now, I can actually get her number and we can be old and content together. What a wonderful daydream.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What is True Love?
Obviously love is nothing you can see, taste, hear, or touch. But it something you can feel. To say it is an emotion like happiness and sadness is not really accurate either. It is something far more important, longer lasting, and complex then any emotion could ever be. Like anything that is impossible to define, the meaning becomes ambigous. I love pizza. I love playing basketball. I love this person's songs. These are more characteristics of yourself. This kind of love is real and important to knowing who you are. Romantic love is different in nature, although who you love says A LOT about who you are much like these other examples. For simple love of objects it is just that... simple. I love the taste, the sounds, the looks of whatever. There isnt much to it. Your senses and tastes determine that. Romantic love is different because it is something you earn. I do not believe in love at first sight. That does not mean I am a pessimistic or negative person. I feel like love at first sight is simple love, like pizza or a tv show. You are infatuated most likely. That isnt to say that you cant end up loving something you are infatuated with. It probably happens all the time. But in my opinion.. it is luck. These are some if not all that I require before I claim to be in love with someone. It can take months or even years to develop true love, but when its there, there is nothing like it. I dream of loving someone who loves me.
1) ATTRACTION - I might as well start superficial. Love does begin to form at first sight, but is far far away from being fulfilled. There are millions of people and you must rely on your senses to filter out the ones that don't interest you. This does not mean someone who is a model is the best bet to begin love. It means someone that really gets your attention in some sort of physical way. It can be a sexy voice or body. It can be a prettttty innocent face. It could be an exotic girl or the girl next. That all depends on timing and the situation and your tastes. My perfect girl image really has many different forms. The perfect girl for me is not determined in this category. Attraction is required for me to truly say I love someone. This is most like simple love as described. It is not earned, and heavily rely on your senses and tastes. You must always be attractive to stay in love. Love ends and if you love someone and want them to continue to love you, you must do your best to fit there tastes. SInce most if not all people like healthy, clean, well dressed, and good smelling people, ALWAYS do your best to maintain these qualities or any qualities that yoru lover original liked about you. Getting comfortable by gaining weight or dressing shabbily is stupid because you will lose attraction and a little love as well.
2) Trust - this is true for any friendship but is an absolute must for true love. This is why you can't possibly have love at first sight. Trust must be earned over time. You can trust someone in a certain situation but that doesnt mean that person is trustworthy in every situation. If your attraction and good times stand the test of time than you will have many experiences where you will have to prove trust or your partner will have to prove it to you. Trust is not easy. It is almost a sacrifice. There are times where it would benefit you to tell a small lie and getting away with it may be just as easy. But as life is, love is hard. For real love you have to know yourself and believe in the big picture rewards of struggling through our temptations to take the easy way out an lie. Its pretty intuitive. A lie distorts truth and reality. If your relationship is ridden with lies or even just one BIG lie than there is no truth or reality to build on and love. There is no real love or true love without trust. I feel like this takes the longest and is the most important aspect of love. It is "the heart of love". It isnt synonymous with love but without it love will cease to exist. Always be honest. WE are human and you will slip up, and thats ok. It will set you back but you must always fight against it. I feel like you get better with the struggle over time with practice. But like anything that you struggle to get good at... it starts with a personal desire to acheive the goal. If you want love you HAVE to want to be a trustworthy person, and you have to be completely perceptive and understanding to your own trust threshold. If you let someone get away with it they will continue to abuse your forgiveness. Always make it clear how important it is to you to not lie and be honest and do whatever you can to keep that on your mind when the time comes where you have to make that decision... easy way out or hard way out. Remember the hard way is the only way to real love.
3) Inspiration - There are always seems to be an "upper hand" and a "lower hand" in a relationship but that is an indication of a relationship without much potential to reach true love. Again, things change and a lot of times upper hands can shift or balance out. But when you are truly in love, there is no chaser and no runner. How do you achieve a balance. Everyone have different capacities of emotion. Its not found in a measure or level of love but in two seperate loves inspiring each other. Paul Beebe, houston musician and front man of Beetle, is getting engaged. I drunkinly asked him "what is love for you". He agreed with trust and attraction but added something that I never thought about. The other person has to have something that you need in order to be a better person. BEcause there are so many dimensions and problems that every one has, there should always be something that has the power to change you for the better. Growing up with different backgrounds and environments we mold into unique individuals with unique understandings and traits, both positive and negative. The idea here is that your problems and solutions should fit if you are in love. And it is also important that they are directional. By that I mean that a negative has to be influenced by the others positive traits and NOT the other way around. She has to be inspired by something that IS me that she needs. I have to be inspired by something that she has that I truly desire or need in terms of a personality or trait. This is so important in making two individuals into ONE real relationship. I guess a relationship in the sense can be seen as a super-human if done right. True love does not exist if you are not constantly making each other better.
4) Sacrifice/Compromise - Once again, it is NOT a requirement for a person to be just like you. In fact inspiration requires some fundamental differences. You may have different tastes in movies, music, food, or whatever and this does not mean you are not meant for each other. Obviously some similarities are required, especially in the early stages, so you can make sure you that are easy times where both of you are happy at the same time. True love is earned when there are decisions to be made that will leave someone happier than the other. THe best way I can describe when compromise is required is as simple as keeping track of what you do and communicating. You have to make important decisions based on how well you know that person. Sometimes a situation will be make someone mildy happy and you miserable. If that is the case than it is up to her to know you and identify that her mild happiness is not worth your misery. Hopefully you can see the principle. You should always strive for that balance when difference occur. You must always prioritize the more important and meaningful emotion over the more mild one. In the case where one person will be extremely happy while the other will be extremely miserable, this is when you must sacrifice and meet half way. You must communicate in order to acheive this. No matter how much you think you may know someone, you dont completely. We dont even completely know ourselves. Communicating with respect and honesty is the only way to strike this balance. Figure out what you can do to lessen the extremities so that it isnt a completely miserable experience for anyone. Sometimes that means lessening an extreme happiness but that is the sacrifice that must both must be able to make in order to know that you are truly in love. Love is not a complete bliss. Love is calm and agreeable and one. It is not extreme. It is balanced. Once again you must know someone in order to make these decisions, so love at first sight is BULLSHIT.
5) Communication
6) Timing
7) Forgiveness
1) ATTRACTION - I might as well start superficial. Love does begin to form at first sight, but is far far away from being fulfilled. There are millions of people and you must rely on your senses to filter out the ones that don't interest you. This does not mean someone who is a model is the best bet to begin love. It means someone that really gets your attention in some sort of physical way. It can be a sexy voice or body. It can be a prettttty innocent face. It could be an exotic girl or the girl next. That all depends on timing and the situation and your tastes. My perfect girl image really has many different forms. The perfect girl for me is not determined in this category. Attraction is required for me to truly say I love someone. This is most like simple love as described. It is not earned, and heavily rely on your senses and tastes. You must always be attractive to stay in love. Love ends and if you love someone and want them to continue to love you, you must do your best to fit there tastes. SInce most if not all people like healthy, clean, well dressed, and good smelling people, ALWAYS do your best to maintain these qualities or any qualities that yoru lover original liked about you. Getting comfortable by gaining weight or dressing shabbily is stupid because you will lose attraction and a little love as well.
2) Trust - this is true for any friendship but is an absolute must for true love. This is why you can't possibly have love at first sight. Trust must be earned over time. You can trust someone in a certain situation but that doesnt mean that person is trustworthy in every situation. If your attraction and good times stand the test of time than you will have many experiences where you will have to prove trust or your partner will have to prove it to you. Trust is not easy. It is almost a sacrifice. There are times where it would benefit you to tell a small lie and getting away with it may be just as easy. But as life is, love is hard. For real love you have to know yourself and believe in the big picture rewards of struggling through our temptations to take the easy way out an lie. Its pretty intuitive. A lie distorts truth and reality. If your relationship is ridden with lies or even just one BIG lie than there is no truth or reality to build on and love. There is no real love or true love without trust. I feel like this takes the longest and is the most important aspect of love. It is "the heart of love". It isnt synonymous with love but without it love will cease to exist. Always be honest. WE are human and you will slip up, and thats ok. It will set you back but you must always fight against it. I feel like you get better with the struggle over time with practice. But like anything that you struggle to get good at... it starts with a personal desire to acheive the goal. If you want love you HAVE to want to be a trustworthy person, and you have to be completely perceptive and understanding to your own trust threshold. If you let someone get away with it they will continue to abuse your forgiveness. Always make it clear how important it is to you to not lie and be honest and do whatever you can to keep that on your mind when the time comes where you have to make that decision... easy way out or hard way out. Remember the hard way is the only way to real love.
3) Inspiration - There are always seems to be an "upper hand" and a "lower hand" in a relationship but that is an indication of a relationship without much potential to reach true love. Again, things change and a lot of times upper hands can shift or balance out. But when you are truly in love, there is no chaser and no runner. How do you achieve a balance. Everyone have different capacities of emotion. Its not found in a measure or level of love but in two seperate loves inspiring each other. Paul Beebe, houston musician and front man of Beetle, is getting engaged. I drunkinly asked him "what is love for you". He agreed with trust and attraction but added something that I never thought about. The other person has to have something that you need in order to be a better person. BEcause there are so many dimensions and problems that every one has, there should always be something that has the power to change you for the better. Growing up with different backgrounds and environments we mold into unique individuals with unique understandings and traits, both positive and negative. The idea here is that your problems and solutions should fit if you are in love. And it is also important that they are directional. By that I mean that a negative has to be influenced by the others positive traits and NOT the other way around. She has to be inspired by something that IS me that she needs. I have to be inspired by something that she has that I truly desire or need in terms of a personality or trait. This is so important in making two individuals into ONE real relationship. I guess a relationship in the sense can be seen as a super-human if done right. True love does not exist if you are not constantly making each other better.
4) Sacrifice/Compromise - Once again, it is NOT a requirement for a person to be just like you. In fact inspiration requires some fundamental differences. You may have different tastes in movies, music, food, or whatever and this does not mean you are not meant for each other. Obviously some similarities are required, especially in the early stages, so you can make sure you that are easy times where both of you are happy at the same time. True love is earned when there are decisions to be made that will leave someone happier than the other. THe best way I can describe when compromise is required is as simple as keeping track of what you do and communicating. You have to make important decisions based on how well you know that person. Sometimes a situation will be make someone mildy happy and you miserable. If that is the case than it is up to her to know you and identify that her mild happiness is not worth your misery. Hopefully you can see the principle. You should always strive for that balance when difference occur. You must always prioritize the more important and meaningful emotion over the more mild one. In the case where one person will be extremely happy while the other will be extremely miserable, this is when you must sacrifice and meet half way. You must communicate in order to acheive this. No matter how much you think you may know someone, you dont completely. We dont even completely know ourselves. Communicating with respect and honesty is the only way to strike this balance. Figure out what you can do to lessen the extremities so that it isnt a completely miserable experience for anyone. Sometimes that means lessening an extreme happiness but that is the sacrifice that must both must be able to make in order to know that you are truly in love. Love is not a complete bliss. Love is calm and agreeable and one. It is not extreme. It is balanced. Once again you must know someone in order to make these decisions, so love at first sight is BULLSHIT.
5) Communication
6) Timing
7) Forgiveness
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
New Beggining
This week has been the worst week of my life as far as I can remember. From the ashes of my emotional death comes this blog/journal. I hear one of the best ways to deal with a broken heart is to let it out either through art, writing, music etc. and here is my attempt to deal with this pain. I feel heavy and thats the best way to describe me right now. I feel weighed down and its honestly a very physical feeling. I am a very loyal person who does not like change and these times are very very difficult for me. Over the past year I have gotten myself out of an intense depressive state which I attribute to going through somewhat of an identity crisis. I didnt know who I was. You can't even begin to like yourself if you do not know who you are or what your goals are and that is why I was depressed without any real horrible event happening to me. I did not have a grasp of my potential. I did not know what happinness means to me. That was the beggining of the end to this tragic love story. How could I love someone else if I couldn't love myself? It's not possible as far as I know. How could I believe Salome was right for me when I didnt know what "right for me" meant? I couldnt and I turned into a condescending, and ingrateful asshole. Never told her she was pretty when it was running through my mind. Never told her thank you for caring about me and for being there when I needed her. I was quick to tell her whats wrong and hardly ever told her what was right. I deserved to get dumped Oct. 30th 2008. I let her go because, I at least knew that was the best thing at the time. But I also loved her. I may not have known it at the time. But I did. I loved her. It was only when I knew what love is to me, I could tell that I was totally in love with her. So here I am a year later, and obviously a year (or more) too late sitting here with a broken heart. A lost love. A best friend that is as good as dead to me. What is love?
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